I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize