mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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