I look better un-naked...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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