I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
