last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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