just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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