just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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