that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I pour the whiskey from now on
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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