**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
