that's an acceptable place to lick
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
