I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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