Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My cat gives me a boner
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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