I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
