I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize