He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
how drunk are you?
Several
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
