My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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