i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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