Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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