if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
