I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
