well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
