i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
