my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
