This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
