I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize