She's JV to your varsity
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You've changed since you got that strap on
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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