So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
