My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
