My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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