I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
