im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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