I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
