She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
