Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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