Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize