We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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