remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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