So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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