Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
