Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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