You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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