this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
