you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
