textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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