She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
