Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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