she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
