i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
