When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize