She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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