I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
