please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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