I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
