Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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