Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
