How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
