Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
