Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
