There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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