Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
