Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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