Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
