in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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