So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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